I went to a funeral this morning.  I hate funerals.  It was the first time being a pallbearer ( not exactly what the WWF taught me).  It was a very strange experience.  It was so sad.  Though I didn't know the man very well, I pretty much knew him all my life though.  The body lying in the coffin was of my dads god father.  From what I remember from a year ago, he did not look that old.  I tried not to look at the body, but I couldn't help stare from the corner of my eye.

I was pretty calm the whole time.  The only annoyance was from a bunch of old seniors laughing and making jokes in the back.  Can seniors actually become numb and bored of seeing their friends pass away?

I noticed something very strange today.  This old family friend came to greet us and sit infront of us before the ceremony started.  This couple had a son.  I couldn't help notice that he was terribly bored.  When his family came to greet us, he took one look at us and sat down, slouching in his seat.  I couldn't control my negative impressions of this, most likely, university student.  I have to admit, I could understand he didn't mean to be rude or disrespectful, he just didn't care.  It made me think, we often do the same all the time out of ignorance. 

Then the time came to walk up to the body, say a prayer and comfort the family.  I was ok walking up, was surprisingly composed when I stood infront of the body, but when I glanced over to Mrs. Zeng, I was starting to break down.  Throughout the ceremony, only a handful of people cried from time to time.  Afterall, these were just business partners and acquaintances that were coming out of respect, but Mrs. Zeng cried throughout the entire ceremony.  I could see the sorrow from her face where she could not control the weight of her tears and expressions coming over her.  When I saw her, I could see she was not just losing a friend or business partner, but a part of her as gone.  That sorrow was so strong that it spilled onto every person that looked into her eyes of dispair.  I tried to keep myself composed as I shook her weak hand, I smiled politely to her daughter and a few more relatives and walked to the back where the pallbearers were to meet.  I sat there silently with the others, putting on my gloves and watched as the ceremony ended.  Before the casket was to be closed, the family was to say their farewells once and for all.  Each relative took their turn and the last was saved for Mrs. Zeng.  When she began to speak her words, she could not control the pain in her heart and simply sobbed the words with such depth that I could hear her in the back. She cried tremendously to the point, she dropped her head onto what was left of her soul mate.  She continued to sob and her family could not even hold themselves together.  At this point, tears began to fill my eyes as her sorrow overcame me.  I was not in tears because I felt I missed this man or that I regret not knowing him better, but it was because for Mrs. Zeng, she stood there staring at this body that looked like her husband, was her husband for most of her life time and was helpless to do anything but feel sad. The ceremony was filled with messages of joy that Mr George Zeng was a great business man, who was a loving father and had accepted Christ at the very end of his journey, but for Mrs. Zeng, I believe it hardly meant anything when she sat there.  Our words and smiles did not reflect the pain she was feeling in her heart and though the body before her looked exactly like her husband, it was in reality only a shell of the person she knew and sadly, that was all that was left.  There was nothing she could do, no matter how hard she cried or screamed or pleaded, that shell was the only thing left of the one who had walked with her through so many memorable expereriences...and she will be reminded of this every single morning she wakes up in an empty bed

You ever have that feeling that life kinda sucks?  Not like all of it but the part of it you're facing now.  And its the deep suck, the kind that doesn't go away and you have to face it.  Man, it sure sucks like Superman on cleaning day.

Going into Spring Conference, I aimed to relax and listen to sermons, but it was harder then ever knowing that I would not get very much sleep and this year was a little different from usual.  In the last few weeks, God has told me to put my life in His hands as I try to define my career and future decisions.  Though, to many it seems I have been doing nothing, my mind has never stopped to question every decision I am making.  Whether it is for my good, for my families good or for my brothers and sisters good or even for worse.  It has created in me an uneasiness to do anything except the immediate task at hand.  It is so easy to say "I'll put my life in Your hands" and I realized doing is simple, but not as easy.  I pray that God will lead me along as I try to submit to Him in all ways, all ways, ALLL ways!!! Man I gotta get this into my head.

This song really got to me this SC:

A          E/G#          F#m
Give me one pure and holy passion     
D              A         E
And give me on magnificent obsession 
A            E/G#     F#m            D
Give me one glorious ambition for my life    
D               E          A
To know and follow hard after You
CHORUS:    
A              E/G#       F#m
To know and follow hard after You    
A             E/G#          F#m
To grow as Your disciple in the truth                
A              E
This world is empty, pale and poor              
F#m            D
Compared to knowing You, my Lord        
D              E         A
Lead me on and I will run after You        
D              E         A
Lead me on and I will run after You
 

It's strange, cuz I have heard this song a million times to the point that it bored 

the "heck" out of me. I rmb 412 playing this song to death, but this time as I 
listened I heard the prayer in my mind.
"Give me one pure and holy passion. And give me on magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my lifeTo know and follow hard after You"
 
This has become my prayer, to ask God for a pure and holy passion that will drive me 
to do His work and accomplish something.   Notice how the last line of the verse is 
the first line of the chorus?  "To know and follow hard after you" It's saying that 
your ambition, your goals and journey are the same.  They should be to honor God in 
a world that is unpure. We often aim to gain something tangible, but God truly provides 
and gives you what He wants you to have, if only you do it His way.  If we often say to ourselves 
"I deserve it" or "I think I just feel like it, I don't care what happens" then we have already 
gone our own way. To grow as a disciple in the truth. It's really as simple as that. Man, I wanted to cry.